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What's Defense? Hawks Win After Cow Tipping Contest, 5-4 | December | 2011 Articles


What's Defense? Hawks Win After Cow Tipping Contest, 5-4

Written by Kelly Thomas Reardon on .

So here’s the scoop. The Islanders suck but have won two in a row. But the Hawks have been leaving huge steaming piles on the ice lately. Trying to turn it around tonight with Kane back to wing and Marcus Kruger as the second center? Okay then, here we go.

On an ensuing power play from an idiotic too many men penalty, a shot from the point by Travis Harmonic was kicked right to Kyle Okposo, who buried the easy chance. 1-0 Islanders a mere four minutes into the game.

About halfway through the first, the Hawks would tie it up. Carcillo would drive hard into the Isles zone. He would find Sean O’Donnell streaking into the slot, who would show some great patience drawing two defenders to him which left Andrew Brunette on the weak side of the net all alone for an easy tap-in off a great backhand pass from O’Donnell.

With five minutes left in the first, the Isles would strike again. P.A. Parenteau would win a board battle behind the Hawks net and find Matt Moulson in front of the net. Moulson would let a quick shot fly that beat Crawford. 2-1 Isles.

The first would end with the 2-1 Islanders lead. Each time had their moments of domination in the opponent’s zone, however, it was due more to the other team’s ineptitude rather than the skill of the dominating team. Messy hockey.

Above seven minutes into the second, Ben Smith would get a grindariffic goal (is this where I yell OPTIMUS GRIND?) to tie it up. Patrick Kane would battle while skating to the back of the net and make a slick pass to Smith who was waiting on the side of the net. His first backhand attempt would get stuffed by Al Montoya, but the second opportunity on the forehand would not be denied. 2-2.

With just over a minute remaining in the second, Jonathan Toews would make his presence felt. Toews, while shorthanded, would chase down Milan Jurcina in his own zone, stick check the puck away, throw a limp-dicked shot at the net that caught Montoya off guard putting the Hawks up 3-2.

The second saw the Blackhawks carry play nearly the entire period, dominating a notably craptastic team as they should. They would score two goals and with Toews’ late shorty, would have the momentum going into the third.

Fourty six seconds into the third, the Islanders would tie it up on the power play. Basically, a shot from Brain Rolston at the point gets stopped by Crawford, the puck goes to Tavares who tries to put in on net. It deflects straight up into the air and lands in the slot at P.A. Parenteau’s feet, and he’d bury the chance. 3-3.

About five minutes into the third on a powerplay, Patrick Kane would come down the left wing and slowly walk in. He’d find Patrick Sharp chilling in the high slot, and his shot would come quickly and Montoya would be caught off guard. 4-3, Blackhawks.

Halfway through the third, Nino Whatshisnuts would get a breakaway due to a neutral zone turnover and a poorly timed line change. Nino would beat Crawford stick-side to put tie up the game again. 4-4.

The score would remain unchanged throughout the end of the third and OT (despite each team’s best tries to piss away the game) and would need a cow tipping contest to determine a winner. The Hawks would pull out the victory on Toews’ lone shootout conversion.

Random Observations:

  • I like how we had two near goals in the first minute.
  • Two many men on the ice penalty two and a half minutes into the first? Way to go, stupids. Oh, and it resulted in an early Islanders lead. I know I obviously covered it above, but that’s so mind-numbingly stupid, I had to bring it up again here.
  • Foley & Edzo’s minute long talk about waffleboards & waffles. Bwuh.
  • Richard Dixon of Jacksonville, IL apparently won $40K on the lottery according to Edzo. I just want to meet this guy to call him Dick Dixon.
  • Pretty sure Michael Frolik has taken Bickell’s spot as “Guy with the Worst Shot Selection” on the team.
  • We let a team averaging 1.95 goals per game score HOW MANY GOALS??
  • Hey Steve Montador, if Brian Rolston beats you in a footrace, you need to skate better.
  • Nino Needer...Nino Neeeeeder...Nino Neeeder....Nino Notgunnaworkherenomore.
  • This game in a simple quote: “Defense? What the hell is that?”
  • I laughed when Edzo was talking about catching “all the exciting action from the CBOE between the benches seats” and they showed a kid yawning.
  • Pretty sure I heard a drunk guy yell “PIZZA PARTY” during the third period. Was that you @j_rub?

Three Stars:

  1. Al Montoya - We would have had at least three more goals or more if not for Montoya’s off-the-walls saves.
  2. Jonathan Toews - What else can this guy do besides actually murder the entire opposition to get his team a win?
  3. Patrick Sharp - Yet another goal, padding his stats recently.

Up Next: Off to St. Louis to take on the Douchenozzles....er, I mean Blues tomorrow.

Game in Photos:

Oh, that’s puntastic.


Pictured: Jonathan Toews using completely legal telekinetics to obtain the puck.

Ohhhhh, that’s an AWESOME manhug.

I’m going to assume he’s yelling BLOODSPORT or something similar.

We have liftoff.

Play stops because Frans Nielsen got one of those REALLY SOUR Sour Patch Kids.

Tell me how it tastes, losers.

KellyPuckDrunk moderator

Oh, I also forgot to ask if anyone is surprised anymore when Frans Nielsen goes forehand-backhand or when Toews goes five-hole in this shootout?

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