It’s been quite the rollercoaster twelve months for our old friend Dustin Byfuglien. He embarrassed Roberto Luongo and trolled the fans in Vancouver. He won a Stanley Cup while earning some actual consideration for the Conn Smyth trophy as the playoff MVP. He partied hard with the rest of the Blackhawks in celebration of our Cup victory. He was then traded off to the Atlanta Thrashers to the surprise of pretty much no one in Chicago along with Andrew Ladd, Brent Sopel and Ben Eager. He spent the entire first half of the season being an offensive force from the Atlanta blueline while having minimal defensive lapses. He made the All-Star team. He was a real candidate for the Norris trophy as the league’s best defensemen.
Then things began to change.
Tobias Enstrom, Byfuglien’s season long defensive partner, went down with an injury and Byfuglien was exposed for what he really was. There were defensive issues. There was next to no offense. He saw his teammates from Chicago and Atlanta, Ben Eager & Brent Sopel, shipped off to greener pastures in San Jose and Montreal respectively. He signed a five year extension, loving that he was a star in Atlanta. The Thrashers missed the playoffs. And finally, the yet to finalized sale of the Thrashers to True North Sports Entertainment, who will move the franchise to Winnipeg, the whitest place on Earth.
So Dustin Byfuglien goes from Cup winning in Chicago, to missing the playoffs in Atlanta, but being a star in an urban environment, to getting to play out his now untradeable contract in Winnipeg.
We here at Blackhawks Down Low were able to get in touch with Dustin -- yes, we’re on a first name basis with the All-Star -- for comment and we asked him where he’d rather play than Winnipeg. He was actually ready with his Top 10 list of cities he’d rather spend time in than Winnipeg.
10. Topeka, Kansas - Home of the NAHL’s Topeka Roadrunners
Topeka is home to 125,000 people and is the capitol city in Kansas. Why wouldn’t Big Buff want to spread his wings in the often-proclaimed home of Pentecostalism? And speaking of spreading his wings, he could check out the Air Combat Museum! Hell, if in 1998, Nintendo decided that Topeka should be the main release point for the American debut of Pokemon, it should be good enough for Byfuglien! Other points of interest (stated right on their wiki page) are: Shawnee Heights High School, Topeka High School, and Washburn Rural High School!
9. Fargo, North Dakota - Home of the USHL’s Fargo Force
Fargo is home to just over 100,00 people and is the largest city in the beautiful state of North Dakota. Big Buff could help increase the African American population of the city to just over 2.5%. The big draw for someone like Byfuglien would definitely be the Hjemkomst Center, which has a replica of a Viking ship that sailed to Norway! All this done under the massive shadow of Fargo’s tallest building, the Radisson Hotel, an 18 floor, 206 foot behemoth. I mean, how awesome must Fargo be if the movie of the same name , which supposedly took place all in Fargo had exactly ZERO footage from Fargo?
8. Boise, Idaho - Home of the ECHL’s Idaho Steelheads
Boise is home to over 205,000 people, which is pretty much the entire state population. Boise has a tradition of raising winners. Some pro athletes that called Boise home: Bill Buckner, Jake Plummer, and WWE diva Torrie Wilson. Although, crime in Boise might be a turn off for Buff. Seven murders in Boise as opposed to the approximate 125 in Atlanta. Wait....
7. Anchorage, Alaska - Home of the ECHL’s Alaska Aces
Anchorage actually has nearly 300,000 people residing there. It is the northernmost (large) city in the United States and the largest in Alaska. Biggst benefit for Buff? Anchorage has been dubbed “the most tax friendly city” in the United States! What else could be better for a pro athlete? Oh, I know. Unlike that crap “city” Winnipeg, Anchorage has a massive list of parks and recreations to enjoy. Anchorage is so awesome, that the designers of the Fallout 3 video game let you shoot repulsive mutants in the burned out shell of the city in an add-on.
6. Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada - Home of the WHL’s Saskatoon Blades
Saskatoon is the largest city in Saskatchewan, just ahead of the captial, Regina, with just over 200,000 Canadians living there. Saskatchewan is a wild place to live in case you couldn’t tell by the crazy provincial dividing lines (THAT LINE GOES ON AN ANGLE, ARE WE SAVAGES!?). Saskatoon also play host to the not-nerdy-at-all Shakespeare on the Saskatchewan annual festival. Saskatoon is also famous for the 1972 song by The Guess Who: “Runnin’ Back to Saskatoon” where The Guess Who obviously misspelled “far, far, far, far, far away from.” Sister City: Kabul, Afghanistan.
5. The Quad Cities (Iowa/Illinois) - Home of the (recently defunct) CHL’s Quad City Mallards
To show their superior intellect, the Quad Cities actually consists of FIVE “cities.” The sprawling metropolii (yes, that was intentional) of Moline, East Moline, and Rock Island in Illinois along with Bettendorf & Davenport in Iowa makes of the Penta Quad Cities. The “metropolitan area” (because five cities mashed together doesn’t create enough of a “metropolitan area”) contains nearly 380,000 people and is the largest five-city idiotic combination in the United States. It is home to the largest truck stop “Iowa 80.” Guess what that’s named after? Yeah, Interstate 80. Also hilariously named? The Quad Cities International Airport...which serves only eight DOMESTIC non-stop destinations. Cleverness abounds in The Penta Quad Cities.
4. Omaha, Nebraska - Home of the USHL’s Omaha Lancers
Omaha plays host to over 400,000 rednecks inhabitants as the largest city in Nebraska. The reason Buff should play here is simple: A female roller derby team. The Omaha Roller Girls. I mean, just check out some of the names and jersey numbers these ladies wear: AnnA-ManiaC #999, Bobbie Backseat #8inches (yeah, chew on that one for awhile), D’Naille Inya Coffin #6ft, Grenade O’Connor #92 (she keeps a picture of the pope handy), Dealin McPain #1221, Leggy Gaga #28 (she has a karaoke song called “Pop-Your-Azzi” that she does), and Welt Disney #407. Line starts here, gentlemen.
3. Salt Lake City, Utah - Home of the ECHL’s Utah Grizzlies
Founded by the Mormons in 1847, Salt Lake City (or Salt Lake, or SLC as the kids on the street call it) is the residents of just shy of 200,000 people, only HALF of them being of the Mormon faith, and the rest doomed to spend all eternity in the fiery circles of Detroit Hell. Easy BYU Honor Code Joke. The most beautiful building in the city (and probably state of Utah) is the Mormon’s Salt Lake Temple. Reason I mention this is that the main spire of the temple has the All-Seeing Eye of God on each side of it, representing that God sees all that happens. Except obviously, directly underneath...right inside the temple. Here that, Buff? Get in that religion, get a temple recommend to get in there, and get away with whatever you want!
2. St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada - Home of the AHL’s St. John’s Maple Leafs QMJHL’s St. John’s Fog Devils TBD
St. John’s is the largest and capital city of Newfoundland with a population of nearly 200,000. As you can see above, St. John’s is currently without a junior or professional hockey team. A fairly large Canadian city without a hockey team is almost as sad as when every comedian found out that Donald Trump wasn’t running for President. Apparently, St. John’s has a “vibrant nightlife” situated on George Street, described as “a downtown side-street.” Sounds awesome. There’s also Murray Premises which is designated as a National Historical Site. Cool, what’s it famous for? It had facilities for drying and packaging fish! And now it has office space and a restaurant! How could Buff resist?
1. Reykjavik, Iceland
Reykjavik is the largest and capital city of Iceland, chiming in at a population of around 120,000. Coolest thing about Reykjavik: They use the volcanic activity in the area to heat their homes. Suck it, nature. I figure this neat way of trolling nature will fit in with Buff’s troll-y personality quite well. There’s actually nightlife here. The bars don’t close until SIX IN THE MORNING. Buff could buy the over-expensive and formerly banned beer all night, leave the bar at six, and pound a dozen McGriddles before heading out to the morning skate (also known as The Kaner Diet). And to finally bring things full circle: Reykjavik has a few sister cities. One of note? Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.
You sir, are an A$$hole! You clearly have not been to Winnipeg where sure, our winters are probably the coldest on the planet, but I defy you to beat our summers. Perpetually at 70 degrees between June and August and with a plethora of things to do. Do you think there are no parks or recreation in Winnipeg? Are you completely ignorant. Hmm, an American sports writer? There's a fountain of intelligence.
Instead of whining about a city you've never been to and has taken the honor of being the loudest arena in the NHL, stop your bitterness and enjoy the Cup like most people would.
By the way, the way Buff has been describing Winnipeg and how he grew up watching the old Jets, I do believe this article (especially the list) is completely bogus and you are a liar.
@Scott B. If the "BONER TIME" picture at the top didn't tip you off, I don't know what will. Canada, land of everyone understanding jokes!
@Scott B. Hey buddy, relax. This is called a satirical piece. Mocking just for the sake of mocking. You're right, I've never been to Winnipeg, but this is just having fun. Calm down and realize that we're just having a bit of fun. Sheesh.