Disclaimer: Due to loving threats from the boys at Days of Y’Orr, I took it upon myself to prepare this completely unbiased comparison. Everything is said out of love for the B’s & the DOY boys, unlike all those posts about the Canucks. Bring it bitches.
So Saturday night the Blackhawks will play host to the 2010-2011 Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins. Seeing as these two franchises are the last two to win a Stanley Cup, people will naturally want to compare their runs to the Cup. Seeing as I’m a lazy and uninspired writer, I’ll grab a firm hold of that terrible idea, and run all over town with it. So get ready, because up next, we have the Almighty Blackhawks against the Lucky To Make It, We’ll Ride a Hot Goalie Doggie Style All the Way To The Cup Bruins.
And it starts...
Category 1: Better Playoff Overtime Winning Goal
Game 7 OT Winner by Nathan Horton against the Canadians in Round 1
Pros: Against your rival scumbag Habs. Game 7, eliminating the Habs.
Cons: Boring bomb from the point from a forward through a screen. No skill involved. Pure luck by Horton. Plus, it’s Carey Price, he was probably busy smoking a million cigarettes and trying to fornicate with someone in the stands.
Game 5 OT Winner by Marian Hossa against the Nashville Predators in Round 1
Pros: Against the obnoxious Predators. Marian Fucking Hossa. Hossa scoring the game winner seconds after leaving the box for a five minute major, during which Patrick Kane scored the game tying goal with 13 seconds left in the third. Impeccable positioning by Hossa. Greatest celly ever. Having to replace the UC’s roof afterwards. Chelsea Dagger. Watching whichever worthless Predator that was crawling on his hands and knees towards the pile of victorious Hawks to pick up his stick, all while looking 100% dejected.
Cons: Bolland didn't walk over and punch Rinne in the face for being ugly..
Winner: Hossa. Not even close. Suck it, B’s. 1-0 Hawks.
Category 2: Most Drunken Celebratory Douche
Pros (as far as being a douche): Forever shirtless. Giant nose. Dog tags. Drunk.
Cons: No public vomiting. No stories on Deadspin.
Pros (again, as far as being a douche): Nearly puking before and after speech at Cup parade. Pounding that crisp champ before his speech at the Cup parade. Became president (see above). That aerodynamic mullet with perfectly sculpted fade. Scored the Cup winning goal and celebrated all by himself, shoving it in all of Philadelphia’s face (HOW’S SECOND PLACE TASTE LOSERS?), constantly getting on Deadspin for drunken hi-jinx and nailing swamp creatures. He totally has little big man syndrome.
Cons: He cut his mullet.
Winner: Marchand wishes he was Kaner and he’s not fit to have Kaner’s trashed thirds. Get outta here, joker. 2-0 Hawks.
Category 3: Best Playoff Villain
Pros: Flattened a Sedin, irritated Alain Vigneault, refused to pump Luongo’s tires
Cons: A goalie
Pros: Takes up permanent residence in Luongo’s head, taunts any opposing crowd (especially Vancouver, see above), steam rolled Chris Pronger, totally didn’t even care when he scored massive goals.
Cons: Lazy slob outside the playoffs, was traded in off season (which was a troll/villainous as well).
Winner: Byfuglien has eaten cheeseburgers more intimidating than Timmy Thomas. How does it feel, Timmy? Hawks 3-0.
Category 4: Best “Alumni” Team
Pros: Bobby Orr, Gerry Cheevers, Phil Esposito
Cons: “BQSTQN BRUINS” originally written on the Cup
Pros: Stan Mikita, Bobby Hull, Eric Nesterenko, Pierre Pilote, Glenn Hall, spelled team name right on the Cup
Cons: Bobby Hull was only a little drunk back then.
Winner: Bobby Orr nearly trumps everything, but Bobby Hull smashed a bottle of liquor over his head. Hawks 4-0.
Category 5: Best City
Pros: Full of Irish. Tea party. Red Sox.
Cons: Full of Irish. Twisty roads. Close to New York. The Patriots. All true Red Sox fans committed ritual suicide after the collapse.
Pros: Full of Irish. Sears Tower (fuck you, I’m NEVER calling it by that other name). The Hancock Building. The lake. The world-class museums. Grid layout. Hilarious public transportation. White Sox. Lollapalooza.
Cons: Full of Irish. Close to Detroit. Cubs.
Winner: Chicago, duh. Call me when Boston stops playing second fiddle to New York on an everyday basis. Hawks runnin’ this shit. 5-0.
So there you have it kiddos. Irrefutable evidence that the Blackhawks are the better Stanley Cup Champions in this matchup. Hope you boys liked drinking and eating out of the Cup this summer. Sharpie’s dog ate out of it, probably took a dump in it and we did a poor job cleaning it. Suck on that, brosef.
UPDATE: You probably want to check out the hilarious hashtags from the Twitter smacktalk: #ReasonsTheBsAndDOYSuck and #ReasonsTheHawksAndBHDLSuck
LET’S GO HAWKS
No hard feelings DOY. See ya out there, good talk.
Gold star for this one. I mean everything is so dead on. Bravo! Seriously how can they think they match up. ;)