We here at BHDL pride ourselves on our journalistic approach to covering the Blackhawks. This integral approach has led to the discovery of intimate information of the league such as the places Dustin Byfuglien would rather play than Winnipeg, Patrick Kane’s drunken escapades and hunting down the locations of Stanley Cup ice sculptures around Chicago.
However, this find may be the biggest scoop we’ve had here at BHDL. We’ve hounded our sources and managed to obtain unreleased test videos and transcripts of Brendan Shanahan dishing out suspensions for incidents in the past year. We were able to unearth six separate sets of suspensions that Shanny would have handed out last year. Hit the jump to check them out.
Incident 1: Trevor Gillies
“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. This season, several incidents have occurred involving New York Islanders forward Trevor Gillies. These incidents have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that Gillies is an inexcusable douche who has no respect for anyone since he’s emerged from the dark shadows of his mother’s birth canal. He has demonstrated again and again that he’s the lowest form of scum, despite his veiled attempts at public service.”
“The NHL’s rule regarding players having a fu man chu require said player to prove that he is not a meathead or an insufferable douche. Since, as highlighted above, Gillies has a fu man chu and has failed at not being a complete asshole, I have decided to hand him a lifetime suspension which will only be lifted when he personally apologies to every player he’s concussed and each civilian he’s broken pool cues over in bars. Thank you.”
Incident 2: The Winnipeg Jets
“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. This summer, there were two separate incidents involving the Winnipeg Jets franchise. The incidents involved the unveiling of their new logo and uniforms to their rabid fans.”
“The NHL’s rules about logo and uniform announcements, specific to cities that have been without a team for 15 years, requires that said logos and uniforms are not bland, lame or blatantly pandering to the military. It is for these reasons that I have decided to suspend the Jets franchise for another 15 years, moving them to Kansas City and renaming them the Longhorns in the interim. Thank you.”
Incident 3: Alex Burrows
“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. During the Stanley Cup Finals, there was an incident where Vancouver Canucks forward Alex Burrows bit an opposing player during a postwhistle scrum.”
“The NHL clearly outlaws biting of any kind. Typically a suspension would not be handed out, unless the biter is a diver, whines about every single call, or is in general, a giant sack of donkey shit. In this case, since Burrows is clearly meets all three of these requirements, I have decided to suspend Alex Burrows for 12 games. Thank you.”
Incident 4: Marty Turco
“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. Last year, at a game in Montreal, Blackhawks backup goaltender Marty Turco had an interaction with a fan. Turco bet the fan $5 that the Blackhawks would defeat the Canadians that night. The Blackhawks emerged victorious, and the fan fulfilled the bet and gave Turco $5 with “HABS RULE” written on it. Turco was gracious and gave the fan his money back, but not before scratching out “HABS” and replacing it with “TURCO RULES.”
“The NHL has clear rules about betting with fans. Turco clearly violated the portion of the rule which states that you cannot claim you ‘rule’ when you are clearly warming the bench and manning the door. For this, I am suspending Marty Turco for one game, which he probably wouldn’t have played in anyways. I am also fining him $5. Thank you.”
Incident 5: James Wisniewski
“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanahan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. Last year, in a game between the New York Islanders and New York Rangers, Islanders defensemen James Wisniewski pantomimed oral sex at opposing player Sean Avery. He was suspended two games at the time.”
“Unfortunately, the then ruling party missed the clearly stated NHL rules about pantomimed oral sex. Wisniewski failed to cup the balls when pantomiming at Avery, which is against the NHL rules. I mean, that’s just rude. The boys need attention too, am I right ladies? Due to this, I am suspending James Wisniewski an additional two games for failing to mind the grandchildren. Wisniewski will also be required to attend an “Oral Sex for Dummies” class taught by the guy from the movie Old School. Thank you.”
Incident 6: The city of Vancouver
“Hi, I’m Brendan Shanhan, Senior Vice President of Player Safety and Hockey Operations. Last year, after the Game 7 Stanley Cup Final loss to the Bruins, the entire city of Vancouver flipped their collective lid. The fans rioted, destroyed local businesses, torched cars, abused police and caused general harm to both their beautiful city and its reputation. The city then followed suit by blaming everyone but themselves for being entitled and ill prepared.”
“While there is no specific rule in the NHL rulebook about this, the general human population would like to suspend the city of Vancouver for one week simply for being a bunch of projecting, finger pointing, butt hurt crybabies. Grow up. Oh, and enjoy the rain. Thank you.”
I thought it couldn't get any better after the Burrows rule, then the cupping of the balls comes and I lost it.
@PezDOY I wonder who gets the sloppy seconds. Where's Phaneuf at, let's ask him.
@hattrot I almost felt dirty typing that one out.