Translation Guide for Patrick Kane's Twitter Feed

Thursday, as all Blackhawk fans found out, Patrick Kane, the young scrappy forward, arrived on Twitter as @88PKane. Historically, the Blackhawks have been pretty careful about players getting on twitter. However, since the offseason acquisitions of Twitter users Jamal Mayers, Sami Lepisto & Daniel Carcillo; Viktor Stalberg and now Patrick Kane have joined their online ranks.

I know that many of us are waiting for the inevitable trainwreck of Patrick Kane’s misadventures on Twitter, however, I know the organization is smart enough to control that. So the investigative staff at BHDL have obtained the translation guide that the Blackhawks will be using to turn Kaner’s “real” tweets into what you’ll actually see on his timeline. Hit the jump to be enlightened.

Kaner Says: Oh man, this chick is a total dime!!! I can’t even keep track of the things I’d do to her. I hope she’s into really rich short guys.
Actual tweet is: Every woman is beautiful in their own way! Be proud of who you are! You’re all beautiful in your own ways! #likeASnowflake

Kaner Says: We should get Tazer on Twitter. Just so I have another way to make fun of that milkbag.
Actual tweet is: Jonathan Toews is easily the best Captain in the NHL! Am I right!? #oCaptainMyCaptain

Kaner Says: Playing center sucks ass. I don’t give a shit about defense. I want to score! #doubleMeaning #giggity
Actual tweet is: I love that the @NHLBlackhawks have confidence in me to play at any position! I love learning about the game!

Kaner Says: totttly drink raht nao..!..!..12..WHER AAAL DA BITTTCHS AT!?
Actual tweet is: Spending the evening playing chess with Dad. Where would I be without him! #dadIsAwesome

Kaner Says: Everyone remember my speech at the Cup Parade? Good, cuz I don’t!
Actual tweet is: Thinking about the Stanley Cup Championship Parade. Greatest fans in the NHL! #greatMemories

Kaner Says: Heading home to Buffalo to visit the family and have some fun. WATCH OUT CABBIES LAWL
Actual tweet is: Heading home to Buffalo to visit the family and have some fun. Family is everything!

Kaner Says: At a local rink visiting a pee wee team. Just lasered a puck right into the little goalies throat! LOL
Actual tweet is: At a local rink visiting a pee wee team. Having a great time! Great kids!

Kaner Says: Drinking some Jeppson’s Malort. What? It’s noon somewhere. #yeahLikeInParis
Actual tweet is: Watching film from last night’s game. Always room to improve! #reachForTheStars!

Kaner Says: Yet another pee wee team visit. At least this one has MILFs galore! #meatMarket
Actual tweet is: Visiting another pee wee club. These kids and their parents are amazing! #greatSupportNetwork!

Kaner Says: Wrist feeling MUCH better! I can finally get back to “training” if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down. #ohYeah
Actual tweet is: Cleared for practices and contact! Excited to get back on the ice! #training

Kaner Says: Hey ladies, who wants a Belmont Transfer?? Giving ‘em away for free! #hollaAtchaBoy
Actual tweet is: I just love the public transit system in Chicago! Greatest city in the world! #secondCity

Kaner Says: Lonely tonight and don’t feel like hitting the bar to game. DM me if interested!
Actual tweet is: Sorry guys, need to leave Twitter. Been too much of a distraction. I have Cups to win! #oneGoal

Have you stumbled on your own translations? Spill it in the comments!